Shoplifting For Beginners

I’ve never been a fan of self help guides and have generally found their advice to be rather obvious, in most cases laughably so. I’ve come across one such guide recently and have decided to apply the advice given and try to achieve my goal of becoming a shoplifter. Not that I condone such activities you understand, but as the good (self help) books usually say, you can achieve anything if you only put your mind to it. Heed the advice below, which apply the self help principles in question. And if you get caught, it’s because you’re an idiot.

The original article can be found here

Achieving More With Focus

Focus is the primary tool used by all successful people. As a new shoplifter, you need to focus all your efforts on your goal of shoplifting. You need a long term vision, and short term motivation. Ask youself questions such as:

  • What do I plan on achieving as a shoplifter?

  • As a career, how will I derive happiness from pilfering small goods?

  • In what way do I want shoplifting to enrich my life?

  • What do I need to do right now to begin a life long career as a petty thief?

By answering these and similar questions, you can clearly focus your future efforts on achieving these goals. Never underestimate the power of clarity of focus!

Starting to Set Personal Goals

Goals must be set on various levels. Firstly, you need to see the “Big Picture”; your lifetime goal. Overall, what do you want to achieve in your life? Shoplifting is a great start. But what about the future? In your wildest dreams, what would you like to be? While it is easy getting carried away and envisioning the unattainable at this point, try to remain grounded and set realistic targets. Reach for the stars, but understand that high-heels alone won’t be sufficient.

Secondly, break down this problem into smaller parts. To achieve your lifetime goal what are the smaller steps you need to take. You’ve decided on shoplifting, but what else? Break down the problem in smaller and smaller pieces, ideally into little tasks that can be performed every day. Make these your habits, but never lose sight of that big picture.

Your Lifetime Goals

Focusing on achieving your lifetime goal helps you streamline your decision making skills. Think ahead 50 years, where do you see yourself? Could you be:

  • a crime lord with your own criminal empire?

  • a pimp with a brothel of prostitutes?

  • a prison bitch?

  • a drug pigeon with bowels full of cocaine?

Focus on this for a while. Write it down. Think about it. From now on, achieving this overall goal is your primary objective.

Remember, shoplifting is not your destination, it’s your journey; your doorway to greater things. But to achieve these things your immediate focus should be excelling at your skill of shoplifting. So to get started, try setting goals in the some of these categories:

Artistic:

Do you have artistic goals as a shoplifter? Do you want to make a name for yourself and have history remember your exploits? Do you want to challenge convention? For instance, are you the type to shoplift in a spandex suit with no pockets because you want to make a statement? Are you the type who wants to redefine the skill of shoplifting? If so, decide now what your vision is. And start forming ideas on how to accomplish them. Express yourself to the world. Leave your mark!

Attitude:

Is there some part of your personality holding you back? Do you face moral and ethical dilemmas stemming from your unlawful practice of robbing the innocent, the consequences of which may be time in prison including anal rape? When you look at yourself in the mirror, is the person staring back determined or shying away from the task at hand? Is there some aspect of yourself you need to change to steal and not feel guilty? In short, do you have the right attitude?

Career:

To what point do you wish to advance your skills as a shoplifter? We’ve already discussed possible lifetime goals, and you’ve decided on what you want to achieve overall. Can you achieve your lifetime goal with shoplifting alone? Are you at risk of hitting the glass ceiling in your career advancement? Do you want to be the only 45 year old shoplifter amongst your peers? How far and for how long must you proceed on your path as a shoplifter? When do you think the time will be right to make the next move in your criminal career? And what is this next step? Drug trafficking? Armed robbery? Postal fraud? Plot out the path you would like to take from your starting point as a shoplifter to your overall lifetime goal.

Education:

Education is the key to a better life. And education comes in all forms, not just what you read in a book. What do you need to learn to achieve both your long term and short term goals? Don’t overwhelm yourself at the beginning. Start small. Perhaps learn sleight of hand. Learn to dress appropriately for the task at hand. Robbing a supermarket wearing an overcoat is a dead giveaway, but a stylish jacket with large pockets is perfect for stealing small canned goods. Learn to blend in, look and act the part. Learn about security systems and how you’re being watched. Perhaps even get a temporary job as a security guard, just to get an understanding of what you’re up against. Once you immerse yourself in the quest for an education, your lifetime goal will suddenly seem much more attainable!

Family:

How will your immediate career as a shoplifter affect those nearest and dearest to you? Do they support your endeavours? Or are you perhaps pursuing your life of crime unbeknown to them? We all need the support of our loved ones, and keeping family secrets can be a tremendous strain, and one which may place an unnecessary burden on you as you start out in your life of crime. Try and make your loved ones understand your desire for criminal behaviour. Try to make them see the wonderful possibilities in your future as you see it. More than likely, the problems arising are from lack of understanding and communication. Furthermore if, at some point you plan on abandoning or breaking permanent ties (i.e. murdering) your family, ensure you don’t let them know about this. Tact and good judgment are your tools of choice here!

Financial:

All new endeavours require some degree of financial dedication. As a shoplifter you may require a new wardrobe, perhaps the company of a new class of friends. These things come at a price, which may mean short-term sacrifices. Don’t over-extend yourself. Understand your current financial position and make smart decisions, all the while keeping your lifetime goal squarely in focus. Start small, start slow and grow from there. To plunge yourself (further) into debt and financial depression at this point is a surefire way to fail. Plan and set realistic financial goals.

Physical:

Are you physically up to the challenge of a life of crime? As an amateur shoplifter, accept that at times you will make mistakes (we all do) and you will need to deal with the consequences of those mistakes. Running really fast helps greatly in this regard, and those who are physically unfit or suffer health problems are more prone to capture an incarceration. If you do – and you most likely will – end up in prison at some point, will you be able to defend yourself against attackers? When you drop the soap in the shower, and you comfortable and able to bend at the knees rather than the waist? What do you need to do right now improve your fitness to the achieve your short-term goals as a shoplifter?

Pleasure:

We’ve all heard the saying “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. You’ll be working hard. You’ll be changing your life one day at a time which, while rewarding, is extremely stressful. So allow yourself some fun. Spend some of the money you’ve stolen. Buy yourself that gold chain or that pimp hat. After all, you deserve it! There’s no law against enjoying what you’ve stolen (well technically there is but we’re not being overly pedantic) and hard work should be rewarded. Just remember to never become so engrossed in enjoying yourself that you lose focus of your lifetime goal.

Reflect on these points and brainstorm at least one idea in each category for your life as a shoplifter. The more ideas you have the better, but remember to pace yourself! You’ll get there eventually, and rushing the job will only lead to less than satisfactory results in the long run. Remember, you have the rest of your life, so don’t rush too much. And most importantly, enjoy what you do. What’s the point of being a shoplifter if you can’t smile about it at the end of the day?

Staying on Course

Now that you’ve decided on your long term goals, and your short term goal as a shoplifter, what can you do starting right now to achieve them. It’s never too early to change your life! Here’s a list of simple things to get you started:

  • State each goal as a positive statement. Say things like “I will not get caught”. “I will successfully steal a can of tuna today”. “My family love me not matter what they say”. “This week, I will rob enough old people to buy my wife slutty platform shoes”. Say it like you mean it. You can do it!

  • Be Precise. Don’t say “I will steal something today”. Know what you want. Say “I will steal at least 3 pairs of size 12 ladies underwear from the downtown mall today”

  • Write goals down. It may sound stupid, but it’s a way of permanently stating your intentions. Write down your goals, act on them, and tick them off one at a time. Just don’t let the police get a hold of that piece of paper or all your dreams will be cut short!

  • Keep operational goals in mind. Focus on what you’re doing now. You’ll never achieve your lifetime goal if you’re mauled to death by a police dog, so focus on escaping now. Your operational goals allow you to achieve your short term goals successfully, which in turn allow you to achieve your lifetime goals.

  • Set performance goals, not outcome goals. Aim to be better each time you do something. Don’t go for the big score your first time out, or even your second time. Start off small and improve your skill. And before you know it, you’ll be shoplifting large watermelons in nothing but your birthday suit!

  • Set realistic goals. In other words, know your limits. Persevere and you will improve. This takes time. To set unrealistic goals is to set yourself up for failure.

Key Points

You can be a great shoplifter. You can do it! Just take things step by step.

  • Set long term and short term goals. Know what you want out of life.

  • Decide what’s important and what’s not.

  • Always focus on your goals.

  • Take small steps. Perseverance is the key!

Remember, you can do it. Say it out loud. Scream it from the rooftops. YOU CAN DO IT! Persevere and who knows, maybe one day soon you’ll even be robbing me. Drop me a line if you do. I’d love to hear all about it!

4 Responses

  1. this is funny who would want to be a shoplifter i cant believe there is such info on the web

  2. Have you ever considered becoming a career counselor or a “life coach”? You could become the Dr Kevorkian of life coaching.

  3. Dropping the soap in prison might help you steal watermelons in you birthday suit.

  4. Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear concept|

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