Oral Hygiene

It occurred to me earlier this evening while riding home from work that quite simply, Dracula had rather foul smelling breath. And this probably applies to the majority of, if not all vampires.

Vampires, unlike other monsters, have the distinct ability to be cool. And that applies regardless of whether you prefer the more traditional Le Stat, or are a devoted BtVS groupie, or even are in love with the oh-so-girly Edward Cullen of Twilight fame. Now I personally wouldn’t group Dracula into the cool category, but that’s more because he’s into frilly suits and greasy hair which makes him look like an investment banker from the dark ages, but I’m sure his fashion sense qualified him as cool back in his day. Also, I’ve always found him rather dramatic; the original emo kid with a chip on his shoulder. Regardless, he certainly holds his own.

Which of course is the exact opposite of what one might think if one saw vampires whipping out the Colgate every morning and brushing with a soft but firm circular motion for a full five minutes. The plain and simple fact of the matter is that it’s hard to appear dark and mysterious when you’re caught using mouthwash after drinking your victims dead. It’s even worse for the classically cool to be seen flossing after nibbling at the neck of some poor cheerleader. Oral hygiene and vampires do not make an attractive pair.

Hence, we arrive at one of two conclusions. On the one hand, we may strip vampires of their uber-cool status and cast them to the pit of mediocrity like we normal folk. On the other, we may allow them the ability to look and act cool, but smell quite the opposite. Which naturally implies that all forms of subtle seduction one may hope to experience when in the presence of such creatures will either involve nose plugs, or simply not occur at all. Halitosis is nature’s own mood killer.

And so alas, reality has once again reared its ugly head and killed off all hopes of me ever being uber-cool. I simply refuse to stop flossing.